(Best Ever Computer Tech not an Ordinary Nerd)


Today felt good, I was popular at work for the first time ever and I liked it, it was even better that being evil. I even walked in through reception, without making eye contact with the receptionist though. Going to my desk a few people said ‘hi’ one was even a girl, I wonder if she would be my next girlfriend? I would have to break up with jailbird girlfriend first though, as I had no idea where she was I would just post the break up on Facebook. Everyone will think I am the cool one as I was breaking up with her.


When I got to my desk there was an apple next to my keyboard, I picked it up and took a close look. One of the cretins from the application development section came past, he was a real geek, the sort of person you find annoying just by being in the same room as you. He said cheerfully “an apple a day keeps the doctor away, Becton” yes I thought, that’s what they said to Snow White, and look what happened to that poor old cow. I had a fear of dwarfs, and miners too, so seven of them was like the seven levels of hell, or was the nine levels of hell, but there’s not enough dwarfs. No I have to stop thinking about things like that, I will have nightmares. I quickly throw the apple in the trash.


The boss came in with a security guard, he packed up his desk and left without speaking. The HR manager came in afterwards and got everyone together. He told us they had let the boss go as there were too many problems in the last 3 months in the IT. I had only started 3 months ago so I wondered if there were similar problems before that. The HR manager said the last straw was when someone from the IT department called the fire service out yesterday when it was only  a fire drill. The call could only be traced to the department not the individual phone, but the boss had to take responsibility. A few people looked over at me, I knew they suspected me, but there was no proof, so I just shook my head disapprovingly for whoever did it. That should put them off my trail. The new boss would be starting the afternoon we were told.


Once the HR manager had left, a group started talking, as I was now ‘popular’ Becton I went over to join them to see what the scuttlebutt was. According to the network engineer Damien I think he name was. The new IT boss is the CEO’s girlfriend’s daughter’s boyfriend. He had heard the CEOs girlfriend was going o tell his wife that she was his girlfriend, so in order to keep her quiet this was his favour to her. He didn’t think much of the IT department, in fact he didn’t even had a computer, so didn’t think too much damage could be done.


Shortly after lunch the new boos arrived, he was only in his mid-twenties and looked like a hippy in a suit. This was Becton’s chance to get ahead I thought. So I went over to him and said “ Hi Boss, I’m Becton the best IT tech in the department, and maybe the world” The boss smiled and said come into my office and tell me about the IT department. This was it, I was in with the new boss, it’s the easy life from now on for me. The new boss was called Jerry, he told me he wanted to be an artist, but no one bought any of his paintings. ‘Because they were crap’ I thought. His girlfriend’s mum had got him this job as she didn’t want her future son in law to be an unemployed loser. This was perfect I thought, Jerry knows nothing about IT so he would believe everything I said. I told Jerry that he must make everyone believe he knows everything about IT in order to get respect, and I would be there to help him. “Thanks Becton” he said “you and I are going to get on great”


Was this the best day of my life? Everyone liked me, I was the bosses BFF and he would believe everything I said. I needed to press home my advantage, so I went to the rubbish bin where I has thrown the apple, it was still there, although it looked like someone had vomited on top of it, I gave it a quick wipe down with some newspaper that was also in there but had escaped most of the vomit. It looked clean enough, so I took it to the new boss. He said ‘thanks Becton I really like you’ but I walked away before he ate it just in case he could taste the vomit.


I was now going to spend the afternoon working on my plans of how the new boss should run the department the Becton way. But first I need to post my breakup post on Facebook. So I wrote ‘This post is for anyone who thinks they may be my girlfriend. Welcome to dumpsville, population you. Becton is now free and single again and welcomes any requests from girls who want to be his new girlfriend, but not if you are a dwarf who works in a mine’. I wondered how many requests I would get, maybe I should start a spread sheet I was going to have a double Quad burger for tea to celebrate my great new life. Becton I thought you really are da man!


Next time

Becton the all powerful