(Best Ever Computer Tech not an Ordinary Nerd)


Today was going to be a good day, a girl had spoken to me yesterday, and today I was going to ask her out, I was in the zone. Becton, you da Man! I sneaked into work through the service entrance again; this was becoming the norm now, until that crazy receptionist gets taken away by the men in white coats. Maybe if I can overcome my fear of her, I will try to accelerate the process.


The IT department was quiet; I had never been in this early before so I guess this was normal. Suzy wasn’t in yet so I had some time to be ready to impress her. I had some aftershave that I was got for Christmas by my mum some years ago, it was called ‘Hai Karate’ with some Japanese writing on the bottle, so it must be good stuff. I splash it on all over, it evaporates really quickly so my clothes don’t stay wet for very long, I am very impressed.  Next thing, I want to show Suzy how smart I am, so I drop into a shell command on the computer and type a couple of commands, it logs me onto the Finance system, wow this is heavy stuff, I have never done this before, so I move around a few menus and type in some random commands so people think I know what I am doing.


One of the guys who sits across the room from me comes in; the first thing he says is “Bloody Hell, who’s taken a shower in cheap poof juice! This place smells like my dad when he’s going out to the pub, but 10 times worse”. I am pretty sure he is not taking about me, my Hai Karate is not cheap poof juice, I don’t think. Suzy arrives; she walks past my desk and says “nice smell Becton”. That must be a compliment, this is a sure thing, I can’t fail. I say “good morning Suzy” she looks at me and “says who the hell is Suzy? My name is Joanne” Damm I really need to get better at people’s names. “Well Good morning Joanne I reply” but she had already gone to get a coffee so she didn’t hear me.


Joanne came back to her desk, which was my cue to move in. “Hi Joanne” I say, “do you want to come out with me for a drink tonight” She just looked at me, “I am paying” I add. Can I bring a friend” she asks. “Of course, no problem”. I can’t believe this, I get a date with two girls at the same time, Becton you are the luuuv machine, it must be the Hai Karate that did it, I have never had a girl say yes before. I knew it would be a good day, so I spend the next hour just tapping on my keyboard trying to look busy while I think about tonight; there is some French word for it that I can’t remember, but if the French invented it, it has to be good even if garlic is involved.


A short while later some men in suits come up to Joanne’s desk and lead her away, one of them stays and starts going through her drawers. Suit man looks up at me and says “is that awful smell coming from you”. Obviously he has no taste so I don’t even respond. Thirty minutes later the boss sends an email to everyone in the IT department. It said Joanne was helping police with their investigations into blackmail, hacking, drug dealing and people smuggling case and she would not be coming back. Damm I thought, if they find out she was my girlfriend I may be implicated, so I quickly delete the calendar entry for tonight’s date, that should do the trick. I wonder if her friend will still be coming!


I spent all night going around the local pubs and clubs asking every girl if they are Joanne’s friend. I can’t believe every one of them said no plus a number of comments about my aftershave. It looks like I have been stood up, but it’s my best result so far, things are looking up for Becton!


Next time

Who took all the money?