(Best Ever Computer Tech not an Ordinary Nerd)


Can life get any better than this? Everyone liked me at work, I had control over the new boss, which meant I was king of the IT department, maybe I would make a crown for myself.

I even had some responses on my Facebook page to my request for a new girlfriend, they were all from Russia and really good looking, my reputation must have got to there already. I had the pick of chicks now, my job for tonight would be to pick the hottest one and she would be my girlfriend, I’m not sure how I would meet her though, maybe we would have one of those long distance relationships, she had better speak English though as there was no way I was going to make the effort to learn Russian.


I strutted into work, through the front door this time, I even said good morning to the crazy receptionist, (I didn’t mention dogs though). The IT department was humming along as it normally did, so I took a slow walk around checking on my loyal subjects. One of the network engineers looked up and said, “what are you doing Becton, F%&k off back to your own desk”. Whoa I thought, this guy obviously has no idea who he is speaking to, he will be number one on my list of people to be fired. I told him to start looking for another job as he wouldn’t be here much longer. He said something abusive and threw an apple at me, so I picked it up and went to Jerry’s office to address item one on my agenda, to get this guy fired, and to give Jerry another apple. Jerry wasn’t in though, so I went back to my desk to make some plans for when Jerry got back.


Next on my list was to get my own office with my own vending machine that would vend free chocolates, then I would need a title that everyone would have to call me by, ‘Sir’ or maybe ‘Master’, that would get everyone’s respect. Jerry didn’t come in all day, in fact he didn’t come in for a week, so I spent my time on Facebook, there were so many hot Russian chicks I couldn’t decide which one I liked best, maybe I would take more than one girlfriend. In fact it would be selfish not to, there was only one Becton and everyone should get a piece, well a few hot Russian chicks at least.


When Jerry did finally come in, he looked like he had spent the week in a dumpster. I went straight to his office with the apple I had been saving for him. ‘Hi Jerry’ I said ‘we have some business to attend to’. “Who are you man” was his reply. This wasn’t good, so I gave him the apple. “Apples remind me of vomit” he said. I guess I didn’t clean that last one well enough, I thought. I tried to explain to Jerry the situation at the IT department, but he just fell asleep in his chair. As I walked out of Jerry’s office the network engineer who I wanted to fire stood up from his desk and threw another apple at me, it hit me on the head and hurt, I didn’t like it very much. I needed to think fast as this was not a situation the master if the IT department should be in, but first I needed lunch. It was only 10:30 but I figured a long and large lunch would help me think, and maybe Jerry would be awake when I get back.


I got back at 2:30 after a monster Pig out, I view those ‘all you can eat’ places as a challenge where I eat all that I can. Jerry was awake and in his office, as I hadn’t had a chance to think about my plan of attack (eating takes a lot of brain power) I went straight in to see him. “Jerry” I said “I need you to give me total control over the IT department”. “Sure man, no problem, you got it” he replied. That was easy “thanks Jerry” I said and went back to my desk to bask in my own glory. As I was basking Jerry left the office. After 30 minutes of feeling pleased with myself I went over to the apple throwing engineer, and told him he was fired and must get out immediately. I was surprised he didn’t do as I said, he just ignored me. “I am the master of IT and in total control of the department” I told him. “you are as useful as a bottle of chips Becton, and only half as smart, haven’t you heard that Jerry has quit, apparently the job was too stressful for him, HR are recruiting for a new Boss” he said “now f#*K off”. This was devastating, it probably meant my powers were gone now, or were at least reduced, that damm Jerry, I knew he was a waste of time. After such terrible news, I had no choice but to go home and tell my girlfriend.


As soon as I go to my house (small gungy apartment) I logged on the Facebook, picked three of the Russian girls as my new girlfriends and sent a message to all of them about what happened. Now I just had to wait for their responses and ideas about what to do next. I waited most of the night then got one response from Svetlana, she wrote “my English not good, but I give you good sexy time”. Not the response I expected, there was no ideas for my next move with that response. So I decided to take the rest of the week off with stress leave, it would give me a good chance to re-watch all my favourite movies, and to finish the 10Kg block of cheese I had bought at the weekend.


Next time

No more Mr nice guy